so... I went from straight F's to straight A's.


Woo HOOOO!

I refuse to be a college drop out.

I BELIEVE in the power of ME.

I took a cold shower. I feel better about the world.

something is eating me.

in·con·sid·er·ate
Pronunciation: "in-k&n-'si-d(&-)r&t
Function: adjective
Etymology: Middle English inconsyderatt, from Latin inconsideratus, from in- + consideratus considerate
1 a : HEEDLESS, THOUGHTLESS b : careless of the rights or feelings of others
2 : not adequately considered : ILL-ADVISED
- in·con·sid·er·ate·ly adverb
- in·con·sid·er·ate·ness noun
- in·con·sid·er·ation noun

Text: showing a lack of manners or consideration for others; she was inconsiderate by nature, never bothering to hold the door for anyone -- see IMPOLITE

Entry Word: impolite
Function: adjective
Text: showing a lack of manners or consideration for others

Synonyms: discourteous, ill-bred, ill-mannered, impertinent, inconsiderate, rude, thoughtless, uncalled-for, uncivil, ungracious, unmannerly

Related Words: audacious, bold, bold-faced, brash, brassy, disrespectful, impudent, insolent, saucy, shameless; boorish, churlish, clownish, loutish, uncouth, vulgar; undiplomatic, unsportsmanlike; abrupt, blunt, brusque, crusty, curt, gruff, sharp, snippy; antisocial, crabbed, cross, disagreeable, grumpy, sullen, surly; improper, inappropriate, incorrect, indecent, indecorous, unseemly; arrogant, conceited, presumptuous, pretentious

Near Antonyms: humble, meek, modest, unassertive; deferential, dutiful, respectful, submissive, yielding; acceptable, appropriate, becoming, befitting, correct, decent, decorous, fit, fitting, good, meet, proper, respectable, right, seemly, suitable; affable, cordial, friendly, genial, hospitable, sociable; felicitous, graceful

Antonyms: civil, considerate, courteous, genteel, gracious, mannerly, polite, thoughtful, well-bred

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's amazing living a year with someone, and they never gave a shit about you in the first place.

Incubus makes me hot... still... for years...and at this point, it's a little embarassing. But I'll blog about it.

WATCH THIS

"I don't know how to describe you without offending you"

That's funny... I don't either.

But what does it mean?

Maybe... I'm offensive... no.

easily offended.

maybe.

-----------------

Things I want to accomplish:
confidence
beauty
honesty
happiness
graduation
sanity
openness
charm
-----------------

Sometimes I wish I wasn't.
------------------

I don't believe in you, but I do.
-----------------

I wish I didn't have to try so hard.
-----------------
I'm not wasting anymore time.
-----------------
Fuck you.

If you think I'm not in control of this situation for one second.

I arranged the whole thing, silly. I call the shots. I am the creator.

I say what I mean.

and I MEAN IT.

So, fuck you, I don't bullshit. In the big picture.

So, fuck you, if you think I'm not good enough.

Because I am.

You, sir, are clueless. Without thought or consideration. You are just after one thing.

My sex. And I REFUSE to give into you. Because I am the beginning of this.

And you are not good enough for me to call you a friend.

But I still do.

I never want to be left alone with you again. And I will do everything in my power not to be.

So, fuck you. Fuck you and YOUR bullshit.
------------------------

I want someone to call me baby.

I'm tired of being classified as a wheel.

I'm tired of looking to friends for affection.
I'm tired of all the wrong ones.

When will there ever be a right one?

When will you stop being haunted by the past?

------------------------

Maybe I'll be alright.
------------------------

But right now.
I can't see it.

xaqXKE (1:19:16 AM): so, im crazy
Changriladidaa (1:18:36 AM): basically
Changriladidaa (1:18:45 AM): but I think that's the least of your worries
xaqXKE (1:19:39 AM): I just go around putting temporary tattos on my neck and wear 80's glasses
xaqXKE (1:19:45 AM): i think its fun
Changriladidaa (1:19:17 AM): I think that's fun too
xaqXKE (1:20:06 AM): because It makes me laugh
xaqXKE (1:20:15 AM): and when I laugh, the whol world smiles, because it is mine
xaqXKE (1:29:31 AM): remember when grown ups used tell you the world dosent revolve around you?
Changriladidaa (1:28:59 AM): yeah
xaqXKE (1:29:57 AM): they were wrong about me
xaqXKE (1:30:02 AM): I dont live in the world
xaqXKE (1:30:05 AM): I live in MY world
xaqXKE (1:40:21 AM): what do you do now
Changriladidaa (1:40:07 AM): I donno
xaqXKE (1:40:58 AM): yes, you do
Changriladidaa (1:41:46 AM): I don't think so
xaqXKE (1:42:42 AM): laura O lies to me
xaqXKE (1:43:31 AM): laura O went to spain in the 7th grade, we talked about it in science class, she thought I was crazy then, and still does, but, so do I, but I have always loved her all the same, you got souveniers
xaqXKE (1:43:59 AM): In the 9th grade we used to pass notes in math class on which we would draw things to each other
xaqXKE (1:44:40 AM): and this one time, you let me copy your homework, and I accidentially mixed up some of the pages of them, and you got real mad, because you got a 8/10, and I got a 10/10, and I felt really bad, and I am still sorry
Changriladidaa (1:44:04 AM): hahaha!
xaqXKE (1:45:08 AM): At one time I made you happy, ot at least made you smile, made you laugh
xaqXKE (1:45:27 AM): now there are many more sighs than smiles, now we are apart
xaqXKE (1:45:32 AM): now.....
Changriladidaa (1:45:02 AM): maybe...
Changriladidaa (1:45:09 AM): I still write notes
Changriladidaa (1:45:29 AM): with pictures
xaqXKE (1:46:38 AM): one time I bought Laura O her prom ticket
xaqXKE (1:46:45 AM): because I love her
xaqXKE (1:46:56 AM): One time we planned our house, because I made us
xaqXKE (1:47:01 AM): but, I was the boy, this makes no sense
xaqXKE (1:47:08 AM): No children
xaqXKE (1:47:10 AM): we dont need them
xaqXKE (1:47:30 AM): still books, still the globe, still the staircase, still the cliffs, the ocean, the light, oh the light
xaqXKE (1:47:37 AM): perhaps you were the light
xaqXKE (1:47:39 AM): I dont know
xaqXKE (1:47:44 AM): what was I seeing
xaqXKE (1:47:47 AM): what do I see now
xaqXKE (1:47:52 AM): what did you see
xaqXKE (1:47:58 AM): what do you see now
xaqXKE (1:48:01 AM): where are you
xaqXKE (1:48:04 AM): do you love
xaqXKE (1:48:07 AM): do you have passion
xaqXKE (1:48:11 AM): do you have shame
xaqXKE (1:48:12 AM): misery
xaqXKE (1:48:13 AM): hate
xaqXKE (1:48:16 AM): guilt
xaqXKE (1:48:18 AM): beauty
xaqXKE (1:48:23 AM): bewilderment
xaqXKE (1:48:31 AM): life
Changriladidaa (1:48:13 AM): I don't know anymore.
xaqXKE (1:49:08 AM): i want you to hold me while I cry
xaqXKE (1:49:10 AM): thats what I want
Changriladidaa (1:48:29 AM): I wish I could
Changriladidaa (1:48:35 AM): why do you want to cry?
xaqXKE (1:49:28 AM): I dont know
xaqXKE (1:49:33 AM): I blocked it
xaqXKE (1:49:37 AM): and now I dont remember
xaqXKE (1:49:38 AM): I really dont
xaqXKE (1:49:40 AM): but, i feel it
Changriladidaa (1:49:10 AM): I wish you didn't hurt so much.
xaqXKE (1:50:06 AM): i do
Changriladidaa (1:49:21 AM): but
Changriladidaa (1:49:32 AM): that's one of the wonderful things
Changriladidaa (1:49:37 AM): about you
Changriladidaa (1:49:40 AM): that you feel

goes by super fast.
it's only been two years since my life took a tailspin.
and it feels like ages ago.
my sense of time has been totally fucked.
maybe...
time flows differently for me.
like.
I have my own time zone.
a personal time-space continuum.

that's cool.

it's nice spending time outside.
it makes me feel human.
that. and coffee.
and cigarettes.
and... other things...

I like to feel the sun warming up my skin.
and the
b
r
e
e
z
e
tickling the little hairs on my arm.

everything's turning green again.
you get so many "new" beginnings every year.

so.

do you take every one as a new opportunity for change?

I wrote quite a while ago. Enjoy and Laugh, just like I did.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------


Men are like Ice Cream

Men are like ice cream.
Different flavors for every day,
But they all just taste the same.
Still haven't met my favorite.
Maybe they haven't made it.
Ben and Jerry, give me a hand.
It seems like every guy I taste
do the same things to complicate.
Can't seem to find one who'll
tease and titillate.
I just want a guy who can honestly communicate.
Same shit,
day in, day out.
Need a guy who'll have some clout.
Where have all the good flavors gone?
I'm just left with the bittersweet.
Men are like ice cream.
Different flavors for every day,
But they all just taste the same.









Alone

Thirsty,
so parched....
But I'm drowning in a desolate sea.
Craving,
someone that's never there.
Where are you?
Come hold me,
because I'm too shy to ask.
Wandering,
forever a vagabond in this desert.
My mouth is dry for lack of words to express
how I feel...
But I'm dripping with need.
Can't you see?
Self-medicating.
I'm my own ignorant doctor-man.
Asphyxiated.
Liberate me from my callow chains.




Thorns

I stand-alone.
All by my lonesome.
Wind, caresses my face.

I look into the sky,
And see your eyes.

Thorns pierce my heart.

Inhale sharply,
Ice, lines my lungs.
Dizzying effects,
Make me faint.

I look into the sky,
And I see your eyes.

Thorns pierce my skin.

Blood trickling,
Leaves trails of love.
Lick it up, baby,
I'll writhe beneath you.

I look into the sky,
And thorns pierce my eyes.


















Amnesiac

Are you the angel I've been praying for?
Or just a demon I've conjured up?
...
I know who you are.
You're a devil who speaks honeyed words into my ears.
You've bewitched me... bewildered.
You've cast a spell over me,
even for just a short while.
Hold me in your arms so I can feign amnesia.
Feed me your sweet lies that taste so bitter afterwards.
You'll break my heart,
and tell me it's my fault.
Shatter me into little pieces and walk over the remains.
Devil with an angel's words,
kiss me deeply and steal my memory.
Let me forget again.
And again.
Make me forget.

Bjork is powerful.
But underrated. AND overrated.

Slamming doors in the hallway annoy me.
and drunks make me green.

PORTFOLIO=DONE
sweet. and it's cool lookin.

Eyes across the room... I can read you.
Every thought is written on your face.
Plain for me to see.

thoughts are interesting in that, they change speeds when they travel through your head. Some, are like flashes of light, bursting.... like.... paparazzi. And some are like.... intangible. grasping... teasing... dancing out of cognition.

I need a secret place... a new secret place.
maybe, a hidden cove... near an azure lagoon.... where I can visit with mermaids... and unicorns... and rainbow fish.

I could ride my magic carpet there.... I really do wish I had a magic carpet... I would use it to get to my cove.

I would keep my treasures there. My favorite things.

spring break... has left me not wanting to put effort into ANYTHING.

I feel so unproductive its ridiculous, but my desire to do anything about it is also missing.

Why do they put the hard stuff near the end? It should be at the beginning of the semester when you're refreshed and not pooped out.

I feel like I've been bombarded with assignments and things to do.

I'm ready for this shit to be over with.

lame...

too many people in one small room.

jessie told me the other day that animals in small boxes just die. which i think is very true. or maybe her mom told her that and she told me?

irrelevant.

i'm in a small box, and sometimes, i feel like i could just die. ANGUISH!

i need peace dammit! just some time to rewind and breathe... reflect. and think my own individual thoughts... unfortunately, i only like to do this by myself!!

gar.

She said it. I can't believe she said it. The "C" word. Cancer. Cancer. Cancer. The word makes time stand still. White-hot light eclipses my vision and I feel as though my eyes are melting, dripping slowly down my face, like hot wax. The room closes in on me and she just looks at me with that sad, knowing expression. I have been stabbed in the back by someone I thought I could always trust, always run to when I needed help. I have been betrayed. Anger builds in me, starting out as a ball in the pit of my stomach, and growing bigger and bigger. It twists and shakes my insides, tangled in everything I am. I need to go, I tell her, and I make a mad dash for the door.

I grab my bike and start riding, not just the bike, but my emotions as well. They were in total control now, and I was forced to see where they led me. Visions of skeletons dance in my head. Their hollow eyes laugh at me; tease me. Their tongue-less mouths say to me, "Silly girl, you can't evade death forever. You can't run away!" But I can try, and I banish them from my head. I notice I've been led to the Greenway. The Greenway is a gravel path that winds through the woods behind many of the houses in my neighborhood. I ride fast on my bike, so fast there was a more than a hint of danger as I pounded through the forest. The trees cast long, thin shadows as the sun set, reflecting bright golds and yellows off the marshy creek near the path. The scent of OFF! bug spray and sweat hung heavy in the air. The humidity was oppressive and weighed down on me. I didn't care. Something urged me to ride longer, to chase that last bit of sunshine and see how long I could make it last. The wind I created on my bike whipped strands of hair in my face, so that it was wild. I hear gravel crunching beneath my bike wheels, sounding like splashing water. Closing my eyes briefly, I imagine a waterfall pouring out in some exotic jungle. As the sun sinks lower in the sky, the crickets' melody crescendo in my ears, becoming almost deafening.

My legs ache and my breathing is fast, almost panicked. I lurch to a stop at The Crooked Tree. This wasn't just any crooked tree, this was The Crooked Tree. Its knurled branches twisted upwards at such an awkward angle, it didn't seem possible. The trunk grew at a forty-five degree angle to the ground. If this tree were a person, it would have been a bent, gray, gypsy woman, to whom time hadn't been kind to, yet who persevered nevertheless. Her rough bark flaked and knotted, and moss snaked along her bowed body. Her roots and limbs were torn and mangled in the ground, as she struggled valiantly to live in the shadow of larger, more majestic trees.

I sat in the soft green grass under The Crooked Tree and watched fireflies float along like miniature lanterns dancing in the air. They didn't have a care in the world, I thought. Stupid bugs. I had exercised the anger from my body and now was left empty and void. Why? Why did this have to happen? I wasn't prepared for this, for something of this magnitude. I am not ready to see death this close. She's not dead… Well, I'm not ready to watch her be eaten away by cancer; I don't want to watch her shrivel before my eyes, becoming a shadow of the woman I once knew. I don't want to believe that she is mortal, that she is a soft, fragile human who has to fight to survive like the rest of us. Say it. Verbalize it. You have to make it real. "My mom has cancer." This one sentence reverberated through the depths of me, shaking me down, pulverizing my delicate composure. I cried until I could cry no more.

I left a piece of myself by The Crooked Tree that day, a sparkle of my youthful innocence. I had transformed while the sun set and in the darkness I walked in my new skin. Hardened and stoic, I knew this curve life had thrown us would only make me stronger. I had to be there for Mom. She needed me, now that the tables were turned and she was no longer immortal as I had always believed her to be. We would fight this together. I believed in the depths of my heart this thing called cancer wouldn't take Mom from me, not if I had anything to do with it. We would inter-twine our strengths and push our roots deep into the ground, together. We wouldn't let this storm blow us down or up root us. We would endure this together.